Monday, September 07, 2009

Dates with Nuts

Back by popular demand... my online dating missive.

I wasn't a "" gal. Oh no. I went for the Nerve crowd. On the face of it, much hipper, quirkier, more creative types. And I loved filling out their profile form. (My favorite part: You have to fill in the blanks for "____ is sexy, ______ is sexier." My profile read: "Spooning is sexy, forking is sexier." God, I crack me up.)

As a result, I attracted an "interesting" crop of suitors. Rather than go into elaborate anecdotes about these encounters, I'll just throw out some highlights. If you recognize yourself here you could be responsible for driving a perfectly great catch into permanent hibernation.

- The author of a book on Frisbee-throwing who lamented that his ex-girlfriend just didn't understand his method of loading and unloading the dishwasher.

- The traveling AOL executive who found me online as he surfed Nerve from his hotel room in Sao Paolo. We were scheduled to meet three days later, when he returned from his business trip to his luxurious apartment in NYC. Unfortunately it turns out he was actually an unemployed writer LIVING in Sao Paolo, and did I mention that the hot picture on his profile was really his cousin Carlo from Naples?

- The handsome and fit stockbroker who arrived for our date at least 150 pounds heavier than his picture, wearing a too-small Harley Davidson t-shirt and suit pants. At least he had the decency to explain that he knew I wouldn't be attracted to him but he really wanted to meet me 'cause he thought I seemed cool.

- The severely nerdy copywriter who dropped to his knees when he saw me and said "Thank you, God." (I know it sounds flattering but it was creepy and desperate, especially since he was wearing Bermuda shorts at the time)

- The obsessive-compulsive who dragged me in and out of 12 restaurants until we found the one that was the correct temperature. Apparently he had a perspiration issue. Sexy.

- The seemingly normal art director who called me in the middle of the night thinking it would be really exciting to pretend I was his mommy and that we were hot for each other.

Gee, I had almost forgotten why I gave it up.

If you are considering finding the love of your life online, I have one very simple piece of advice: meet the person RIGHT AWAY. I mean immediately. Tomorrow, or sooner. It is very easy to develop a false sense of intimacy through the ether. And don't forget one very important fact: People Lie. 5'8" means 5'6". 185 lbs. means 250 lbs. Heck, even I lied! I've never forked in my life!

People do find love this way. And I've made some incredible, long-term friends through the web. But as they used to say on Hill Street Blues: "Be careful out there".