Saturday, January 15, 2005

Dates with Nuts

I'm retired. No... I'm still gainfully employed but retired from the dating scene. Some people think this is crazy. I mean, I'm a fairly-young-looking 49, not too hard on the eyes, witty, intelligent, humble (ar ar)... so why am I throwing in the towel? There are lots of reasons, but I'd have to say that my 2-year love/hate relationship with online dating was probably the thing that pushed me over the edge.

Rather than go into elaborate anecdotes about these encounters, I'll just throw out some highlights. If you recognize yourself here you could be responsible for driving a perfectly great catch into permanent hibernation.

- The author of a book on Frisbee-throwing who lamented that his ex-girlfriend just didn't understand his method of loading and unloading the dishwasher.

- The traveling executive who found me online as he surfed from his hotel room in Sao Paolo. Unfortunately it turns out he was an unemployed writer who LIVES in Sao Paolo, and did I mention that the hot picture on his profile was really his cousin Carlo from Naples?

- The handsome and fit stockbroker who arrived for our date at least 150 pounds heavier than his picture, wearing a too-small Harley Davidson t-shirt and suit pants. At least he had the decency to explain that he knew I wouldn't be attracted to him but he really wanted to meet me 'cause he thought I seemed cool.

- The Australian ex-rave-DJ turned corporate citizen (one of my few long-term online relationships) who traveled the 10,000 miles to meet me, spent a month in my home. and then determined that he loved me but wished we had met before I had kids. He didn't want to give up the party-boy lifestyle. That lifestyle has since killed him.

- The guy who dropped to his knees when he saw me and said "Thank you, God." (I know it sounds flattering but it was creepy and desperate, especially since he was wearing Bermuda shorts at the time)

- The obsessive-compulsive who dragged me in and out of 12 restaurants until we found the one that was the correct temperature. Apparently he had a perspiration issue. Sexy.

- The seemingly normal art director who called me in the middle of the night thinking it would be cool to pretend I was his mommy and that we were hot for each other.

Gee, I had almost forgotten why I gave it up.