Saturday, April 22, 2006

Marge Madness!

Post title courtesy of my hilarious friend Joy. Although our visit was in April, a week with my mother can ONLY be described as "Marge Madness". (For background on Marge, go here and here and here.

Rather than drone on about the details of our whole week (think Elaine on Seinfeld going "BLAH BLAH BLAH") I'll just give you a list of daily "high points":


We arrive in Orlando at about 11:30 AM. Lucas has 103.9 fever. Other than that, the Air Tran flight was great. Flight attendants with a sense of humor. Just prior to takeoff, "This is flight 327. If Orlando is not your destiination, it will be now."

It felt great to experience the 80 degree weather, and as soon as we arrived at my mother's condo I put on a pair of shorts. Upon seeing the two distinctly brown burn marks, one on each thigh, I changed to capris and seriously considered joining a 12-step program for my laptop addiction.

I don't know why this struck me so funny, but I like to call it "My 83 Year Old Mother Servicing Her Police Car".

In addition to Marge, two of her three sisters were down there. The middle one is 80 (her husband, my Uncle, died a few weeks ago. I had posted about him being ill) and the one on the right (a twin, the other twin is in AZ) is 75. She plays tennis, singles, about 3 times a week. For YEARS she jumped rope 20 minutes a day. I can't jump rope for FIVE minutes. She also has a strange paranoia about bird flu. (She told us that there are 10 confirmed cases among humans in the US. Huh? Whatever!)

Anyway, with Lucas in bed all day, I sat and watched The Masters with my mother and aunts. Sports-nuts, all of them, I chuckled as they sat on the couch yelling "C'mon Tiger! Show us how!!!"


We got up (of course my mother had been up since about 5 AM) and Lucas was better. In the afternoon we went bowling and I actually BEAT her one game (ok, so I was using the bumpers and she wasn't. What's it to ya?). Then she kicked our butts with a 159. (In her bowling heyday, she had a 165 average I think). She sent some horny old man over to hug me. Once not too long ago she told us that a man at the bowling alley had asked her to dinner. "As if that's all he wants!"


We went to Sea World and she came along. Hard to say why, since she spends most of the time standing six feet behind us as though she's tapping her toes waiting to move on.

Lucas feeding the dolphins.

A very cute dolphin.


In the morning we went to play golf. Her golf course, in Winter Park, is basically in the middle of a neighborhood so there are streets running through and around the entire course. Totally bizarre. Anyway, her golf "form" is pretty much like bowling with a stick. But much to the dismay of Lucas and myself, she manages to get the ball up the middle and even made a few pars. Go figure.

The most endearing part of playing with her, though, is that she laughs at you if you screw up.

On Wednesday night, Lucas and I went to Disney without her so we could just relax and go at our own pace. He's usually afraid of rides but I convinced him to go on Thunder Mountain Railroad with me. He was nervous, but I said "Look. I used to be afraid of rides, and then I said to myself 'What's going to happen? You're not going to DIE!" So we went on the ride and I was laughing my head off and screaming, but he was crying through the whole thing. I felt awful. Later on, he said "It WAS kind of fun..." And the next day the headlines on the newspaper read: "Woman Dies After Riding Mission:Space at Disney".

One unkind but true comment about going to Disney World: What an unhealthy bunch these "ordinary Americans" are. WOW. When you live in an urban area, you get used to seeing people who are pretty fit and healthy looking (I guess from walking a lot and maybe just due to a more educated way of living or something). I'm not just talking weight, either. It was startling.


Went to play golf again because we're just gluttons for punishment.


Drove to Daytona Beach so Lucas could play in the ocean. It was a gorgeous day, he loved it. My mother informed us that people go "BUNG-IE" jumping there (hard "g"). Ever the control freak, she decided we should leave at 3PM. Lucas was still enjoying the ocean and it was such a lovely day that I was really in no hurry to go. At 3, she said "Should I go wait in the car?"


We went to Winter Park to take a small boat ride around some of the lakes there. When we boarded, Lucas and I sat down in the back of the boat, but rather than sit next to us my mother found a "better" seat. Hokey dokey!

This was our last day down there, and all in all it was a good trip. We survived some pretty wicked meals (pasta with enough garlic to choke a horse), I must have said 'RELAX!!!" a billion times, (especially because she thinks everyone is out to screw her in one way or another), but it was still good to get away.

And I think the burn marks have faded somewhat.

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