Monday, January 31, 2005

She's a Skank

I'm doing the lazy thing this morning and posting a couple of links for you. Gotta keep things fresh, you know. Today's links are for the fans or future fans of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, otherwise known as "My Hero". If you love Triumph and/or the movie "Best in Show", you'll dig this first clip. (I suggest you go pee first)

Triumph at Westminster

If political humor is more your thing, check this out.

Triumph at Spin Alley

Saturday, January 29, 2005

My Son Lucas, Crack Photographer

About six months ago, at age 9, my son decided that he wanted to take a photography class. I managed to find one for him and he became an unstoppable shutterbug. From time to time I'm going to post some of his work because I think he's got an interesting perspective on things. So, without further ado, I present two shots of his photography teacher. The first is a portrait and the second is a more "candid" shot.

Welcome Hunters!!

Howdy to all who are surfing over from michele's scavenger hunt. No hints from me, though!! Leave me a comment and I'll be sure to come visit you, too.

It's Good to Be Queen

Well hot DAMN!!! I'm number one on BE!!!! (for a moment, anyway...fame is so fleeting). I'm very proud of my little 3-week-old blog. Thanks for visiting!

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Skinny is the New Fat

Well, in my brief time here in blogdom I've already managed to piss a few people off. Some of those people are conservative, anti-reproductive-rights people which doesn't surprise me. I piss those people off in person too. However I thought I was fairly safe here, but apparently I'm a "skinny, slutty bitch". I guess that's supposed to be an insult.

Ah, sisterhood.

We Want the Florie Dories...

Came across this old photo today (I took it in 1995) which clearly illustrates my dysfunctional obsession with the Little Rascals. Yes, my poor little then-8-month-old Lucas is dressed as Alfalfa. I used egg white keeping his hair up, the way the kids at CBGBs made their punky spikes in the 80s. My daughter, in case you're wondering, was supposed to be a "wacky travel agent" (her idea, not mine). Go figure.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

My 100 Factoids

I love reading other people's lists, especially when the facts are ridiculously trivial and inane. You've been warned. OK, in no particular order:

1. This blog would have been much more interesting before I went on medication. I have since developed a filter.

2. Thank god for that filter, or I'd be sued for something by someone.

3. I have been in 13 car accidents. I was never the driver.

4. I was in one moped accident in Bermuda and I was driving.

5. I spent 12 years in Catholic school. I have recovered. Mostly.

6. I've been in some form of psychotherapy since 1978. (see fact #5)

7. I have two sisters. I only speak to one of them.

8. I have been struck by lightning.

9. I was thrown and run over by a horse. I got back on.

10. My second wedding was a costume party, and a Nakota medicine woman named Grandmother Kitty married us.

11. My first wedding took place in Waimea Falls Park, Oahu. There were no guests except chickens. The JP who married us wore a Hawaiian shirt and his left arm was in a cast.

12. My 16-year-old self appears in the last segment of the film "The Groove Tube".

13. Since Chevy Chase was in that film, I can be used in the "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" game.

14. I gave birth to both of my children without drugs of any kind.

15. I am a certified childbirth educator and labor assistant, although I don't do either anymore.

16. I've had 14 jobs since 1972.

17. I've been in my current job for 13 years.

18. I do not have a college degree, although I went to NYU for awhile and also took online classes through Penn State.

19. I had my own business for 10 years. I was a printing and design broker.

20. At 19 I auditioned to be a bunny at the NYC Playboy Club, but the process was so humiliating that I turned down the job when it was offered to me.

21. The same year, I was offered a flight attendant job with American Airlines but turned it down.

22. I've lived in 13 different apartments/homes since 1973, all in NYC or CT.

23. I've had three husbands, but was never engaged.

24. My first husband moved in with me on the night of our first date. We were married exactly one year later.

25. I have never had the measles or mumps, but got chicken pox at age 33. Not fun.

26. I have never had a cavity.

27. I can write upside down and backwards.

28. I can write in cursive on an Etch-a-Sketch.

29. I can sing "My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean" backwards.

30. I have had an AOL account since 1994. I still have it, but don't use it.

31. I have worked on a Mac since 1984.

32. My first husband was an Art Director for CBS Records, so we met a lot of famous people in the music biz.

33. I have slept in Sting's NYC apartment.

34. At the premiere party for "Give My Regards to Broad Street", a crowd of paparazzi pushed me until my nose was touching Paul McCartney's. I'm sure there's a photo of it out there somewhere.

35. I gave Joe Jackson my Sonny Bono solo album to add to his collection of "bad music".

36. I attended the first MTV Video Music Awards, the one where Madonna sang "Like a Virgin" while grinding the stage in a wedding dress.

37. A good friend of ours designed the MTV logo. He was paid $1500.

38. I do the Sunday New York Times Crossword puzzle every week. It's available online at 6PM the night before, and my goal is always to finish before midnight.

39. I love Letterman. I hate Leno.

40. I had a MINI Cooper S for one year and returned it. The service department told me, "If you wanted a reliable car, you should have bought a KIA."

41. I learned to drive at age 23 on a 1974 Volvo with manual transmission. I can drive anything.

42. I'm a volunteer for Greyhound Rescue & Rehab of Cross River, NY

43. At 10 years old, I regularly wrote to Alfred Hitchcock and his secretary answered every one of my letters. I still have two of hers.

44. I was a member of the Pee Wee Herman Fan club, and still have my original t-shirt.

45. I was a member of the MST3K fan club. If you don't know what that stands for, forget it.

46. I love Ren & Stimpy, Rocky & Bullwinkle and

47. My daughter's favorite movie at age 5 was The Adventures of Baron Munchausen.

48. My kids are 9 1/2 years apart.

49. My third husband died of lung cancer in October 2003. Although we had been divorced for three years, I held his hand as he passed away. It changed my life.

50. I'm a rabid doodler.

51. I love to play word games of any kind. I play Scrablle online.

52. I currently subscribe to Allure, InStyle, Tennis, Fitness, Entertainment Weekly and Premiere Magazine.

53. I subscribe to the New York Times and online.

54. I am unapologetically liberal.

55. I hate beans of any kind. I was tortured with beans as a child and never got over it.

56. I don't eat meat except for fish. I don't eat much dairy, potatoes, tomatoes or white flour.

57. I love Japanese things.

58. I love books. My bookshelves are like family pictures. I have a deep emotional attachment to things I've read.

59. I buy books and keep them, rather than use the library or borrow from friends.

60. I wholeheartedly subscribe to the concept of non-sexist childrearing and have witnessed the clear benefits of it.

61. My 11 year old son is an amazing golfer and chess player.

62. My 20 year old daughter is a terrific writer and does beautiful web design work, but works in a bookstore for minimum wage. I know she'll find her own way, but it's hard to watch.

63. My kids are exceptionally smart. My son read the first Harry Potter book when he was 4. My daughter's IQ could not be measured in middle school because their test only scored up to 155. Yeah, I'm bragging. But they're good people too, which I'm even more proud of.

64. I've been arrested. It was fun, actually. I was 19 and the charges were reduced from a misdemeanor to a violation so I have no criminal record.

65. I sat in a "shooting gallery" in Brooklyn when I was 15 years old with my 22-year-old heroin addict boyfriend. Thankfully I was terrified of needles.

66. I've had acupuncture treatments for various things, including asthma.

67. I frequently rode the NYC subway alone or with friends starting at age 13.

68. I was often the victim of frottage.

69. I was raped at knifepoint at age 16. I did not report it to the police, and did not tell my parents.

70. My mother taught us that it was impossible to be raped if you kept your legs closed.

71. My mother is a little bit nuts.

72. My father was my mailman. He was not merry most of the time, at least not to us.

73. As a kid I kept collections of my dog's teeth and my father's toenail clippings. I was weird.

74. My hairdresser is someone who has been my friend since we were 5 years old.

75. One of my closest childhood friends died of AIDS in the "first wave" in 1983. We didn't even understand what he had until the New York Magazine article earlier that year.

76. I once had two parakeets named Guido and Rudy. I will save the stories of their deaths for a blog entry. It's hilarious. (I know. It doesn't sound funny.)

77. I had a dog named Stymie. She was neither black nor male.

78. I can recite some segments of The Little Rascals episodes verbatim.

79. I can throw a perfect spiral.

80. I love to play tennis, and go to tennis camp once a year. I'm also a beginner golfer, and want to go to golf camp.

81. I am a rabid Yankee fan.

82. I love to watch football, but not live.

83. I hate the cold.

84. I have only skied once.

85. I have only been to Europe once.

86. I have never been to Italy.

87. I have driven a boat and used a LORAN.

88. I have been on the news, local and national.

89. I have several friends who are published writers.

90. I met one of them online.

91. I have met several people online who have remained good friends.

92. I have met several very weird people online. Some were men and some were women I met through pregnancy chatrooms.

93. I spend WAY too much time online. This blog isn't helping.

94. I'm allergic to cats. I had four cats at one point in my life. I nearly died from an asthma attack as a result.

95. I love sushi and could eat it every day.

96. I have incredibly detailed dreams, often involving obscure celebrities.

97. Most recently I dreamed about Julian McMahon. OK, that's understandable. Grr.

98. The Today Show is my morning news show of choice. That will change once Meredith Viera takes Katie's place.

99. My hair was 36" long in High School. I missed the "Longest Hair" award by one inch, so I got "Straightest Hair" instead. The unofficial award I got was "Best Ass on a White Girl."

100. I would be totally amazed if anyone read all of the 99 previous things on this list.

101. I'm a rebel, so I'm adding one that occurred to me as I wrote this: How ironic is it, in light of my nuptial history, that my name is actually "Marian"?

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

The Doggie's New Clothes!

So, how do you like our new look? Many thanks to Ro at Ciao My Bella! for the design. We're still tweaking some stuff, but I'm thrilled with my little big nosed puppies (greyhounds were not available...alas...)

Monday, January 24, 2005

Anti-Choice? Adopt Today!!

Why waste time protesting in Washington on the anniversary of Roe v. Wade? I call upon every anti-choice person out there to take action: apply today! Adopt! If you are seriously touting adoption as an option, then step up and provide a home for those children whose mothers took your advice. Sorry, many of them are not healthy little white infants... but that doesn't matter does it? Doesn't every child deserve to be raised in a loving home?

As for me, I'm old enough to remember what it was like for women and girls before 1973. I had a friend who, at 15, nervously took a cab to the suburbs, slipping the driver a piece of paper with an address scribbled on it, not knowing where she was going to wind up. He took her to a small house where she had an abortion in a dirty, smelly basement workroom as the cab driver waited outside. Thankfully, she survived. Another friend had a similar experience as a teenager,although in her case her parents silently drove her to Tijuana from their home in Northern California. She was 13, left scarred and unable to conceive later in life.

Want to reduce the number of abortions? More sex education, not less. More available contraception, not less.

Here's a terrific blog to read today, a very important day in history.

Roe v. Wade 32nd Anniversary

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Ad Sense Make Sense?

Does anyone actually make money from those Google ads? I've been running them since January 7th (when I started my blog) and with the exception of one "big" day where I seem to have earned $29, there has been nothing.

Anyone else? I'd just as soon get rid of them, unless we make a blogger's pact to click on each other's ads like crazy.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Crawling Out of My Skin

There's a ton of stuff in my overactive brain that I want to write about here...but I'm trying to save it until my new skin is up. I hate this generic template with a passion and can't wait to kick it to the curb. Why waste really juicy entries about psychotic boyfriends, my not-clinically-insane-but-nuts-anyway mother, my adorable children (nah, I'm not going to do that to you), my adorable dog (yes, I am going to do that to you), or my Catholic schoolgirl exploits on a blog that looks like, well, a dog's breakfast?

In the meantime I'm doing this lazy "click here, go there" stuff that at least makes it look like I'm attempting to keep you entertained.

The click-here site of the day is Dogster. It's like Friendster for dogs but less dorky. Here's the link to my dog Kelso's entry.


Kelso is a retired/rescued racing Greyhound and if you've never met one of these dogs, do it. He is basically a cat dressed up in a dog costume. He sleeps, cleans himself (and not just the lipstick, boys), eats, and did I mention sleeps? Except for today, when I'm going to have to dress up like the Michelin man and drag his sorry ass out into a blizzard, I can't imagine my life without him.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Music To My Years

My fellow blogger over at "A Day in the Life of Andrea Knapp" wants you to pick a song for each of three periods of your life. Go visit Andrea!

Songs for Your Life

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Black Thursday, Indeed

If I have to look at his smirking fucking face one more time, especially while he talks about Iraq, I think I will throw something at my TV. Rather than kill the messenger and simulaneously destroy my only connection to "The Amazing Race", I will wear my black bracelet and hope the Democrats can come up with a star candidate for '08. If Guiliani runs, we're screwed. (although maybe his "family values" will prove undesirable to the fundies)

Wear It Proudly

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Renaissance Woman

My buddy over at my minutae turned me on to this:
Face Transformer. You upload a picture of yourself and see how you'd look if Botticelli or Modigliani were lucky enough to paint you. You can see yourself as a different gender or race (but only if you're a complete masochist), age (er, not quite) or anime cartoon.

Here's me. I didn't put them all here...only the pretty ones. haha

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Mr. Kennedy, I'm Ready for My Closeup

Who the hell makes these tests up, anyway? Go to Similar Minds to find out what Movie you are, and what Famous Leader you are.

Warning: There's a big difference between taking the short test and taking the long test. The short test results for me were "Sunset Boulevard" and "JFK". The long test results were "Schindler's List" and "Mother Teresa". Based on that, I'd stick with the short test. Mother Teresa I ain't.

Monday, January 17, 2005

Extreme Makeover

Thanks to the cool chicks at Ciao My Bella!, The Dog's Breakfast will be getting an overhaul (translation: dumping this gross and disgusting generic template) this week. I can hardly wait!

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Whack Your Magic Google, Froggie

Just in case you need something else to make you crazy, let's go Googlewhacking. For the uninitiated, Googlewhacking is a game where you Google two words and get only ONE result. Much, much harder than it sounds. You'd be amazed at the number of results one gets for, say "cupcake forklift" or "lasagna algorithm". (don't put quotes in when you do your search, though.)

I did manage to find one today -- manicotti blastocyst -- and now I'm in the Whack Stack

As if there was any doubt.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Dates with Nuts

I'm retired. No... I'm still gainfully employed but retired from the dating scene. Some people think this is crazy. I mean, I'm a fairly-young-looking 49, not too hard on the eyes, witty, intelligent, humble (ar ar)... so why am I throwing in the towel? There are lots of reasons, but I'd have to say that my 2-year love/hate relationship with online dating was probably the thing that pushed me over the edge.

Rather than go into elaborate anecdotes about these encounters, I'll just throw out some highlights. If you recognize yourself here you could be responsible for driving a perfectly great catch into permanent hibernation.

- The author of a book on Frisbee-throwing who lamented that his ex-girlfriend just didn't understand his method of loading and unloading the dishwasher.

- The traveling executive who found me online as he surfed from his hotel room in Sao Paolo. Unfortunately it turns out he was an unemployed writer who LIVES in Sao Paolo, and did I mention that the hot picture on his profile was really his cousin Carlo from Naples?

- The handsome and fit stockbroker who arrived for our date at least 150 pounds heavier than his picture, wearing a too-small Harley Davidson t-shirt and suit pants. At least he had the decency to explain that he knew I wouldn't be attracted to him but he really wanted to meet me 'cause he thought I seemed cool.

- The Australian ex-rave-DJ turned corporate citizen (one of my few long-term online relationships) who traveled the 10,000 miles to meet me, spent a month in my home. and then determined that he loved me but wished we had met before I had kids. He didn't want to give up the party-boy lifestyle. That lifestyle has since killed him.

- The guy who dropped to his knees when he saw me and said "Thank you, God." (I know it sounds flattering but it was creepy and desperate, especially since he was wearing Bermuda shorts at the time)

- The obsessive-compulsive who dragged me in and out of 12 restaurants until we found the one that was the correct temperature. Apparently he had a perspiration issue. Sexy.

- The seemingly normal art director who called me in the middle of the night thinking it would be cool to pretend I was his mommy and that we were hot for each other.

Gee, I had almost forgotten why I gave it up.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

43 Things

This is a very cool site where you can make a list of 43 things you want to do with your life, and see what everyone else wants to do, too.
Check it out:
43 Things
And then check out my list:
Courtesy of habitatgirl

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Dominick Dumb

You know, there’s a reason that defense attorneys want to weed out “victims of violent crimes” when selecting a jury. Because it’s really, really hard for those people to separate the scum-of-the-earth who victimized them or a member of their family from the ALLEGED scum-of-the-earth who is on trial.

Nowhere does this make itself more evident than in the revenge-riddled ramblings of Dominick Dunne, and it has finally come to bite him in the ass.

My hate-affair with Dunne began during the first trial of the Menendez Brothers. As sick/sad/pathetic as it may sound, I was so fascinated with that trial that I taped the Court TV proceedings every day and watched all 7 hours or so every night. It was, oddly enough, the first time in my life that I really understood the cliché “Don’t believe everything you read.” I’d watch the trial and then read some newspaper’s recounting of the proceedings the following day and think, “What the fuck trial were you watching?” After witnessing the entire thing…and we are talking weeks and weeks of testimony…I would have acquitted the Menendez guys. No question. I watched prosecution witnesses lie on the stand and be CAUGHT, dead to rights CAUGHT, in their lies. One after another. Jamie Pisarchik, a former girlfriend of Lyle, testified that Lyle sent her to a law library to look up cases of kids who killed their parents and got away with it. She claimed that she found these cases and delivered the information. WRONG. The defense attorney (not Leslie Abramson, the other one) pointed out that if these “kids” had been found not guilty their cases wouldn’t EXIST in a law library.

Anyway, I could go on and on about that trial…it was a travesty, wound up in a hung jury, and the guys went on to be convicted in subsequent trials that were bullshit too. My point is that Dominick Dunne was a vulture about that case. He wrote a piece of crap article in Vanity Fair that skewed the facts beyond belief. And now, it turns out he smeared the name of Gary Condit based on the “facts” provided to him by a Horse Whisperer??

Yes, I feel sorry for Dunne’s personal tragedy (his daughter was killed by an ex-boyfriend, if you don’t’ already know that). But that does not give him the right to go around verbally convicting everyone that he believes is guilty. If he were a mere blogger it wouldn’t be so harmful. But the guy is a “respected” journalist and with the exception of those those who taped every hour of the Menendez trial, people do believe what they read.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Erectile Dysfunction...or, It Won't Be Long Now

Pharmaceutical advertising is amusing on many levels, but nothing puts a smirk on my face quite like the campaigns against Mr. Softee. My favorite ED ad is for Levitra, with the demure but sexy woman who can't quite look the camera in the eye as she talks about her husband's wet noodle. In this new one, the once-afflicted but now cured man stands outdoors in his flowing white cotton shirt, glancing down and what can only be his newfound boner. The only thing missing is the hotdog chasing the donut through the train tunnel. And fireworks.

But riddle me this, BaseballBatman...what is a "quality" erection? Does this stuff turn your wang into an airplane, kind of like Transformers? I mean wings could really add something to the quality. For US, anyway.

Of course the best part of these ad is the now-famous warning at the end. Now seriously, if you get an erection that last 4 hours are you going to call your doctor, or are you going to call EVERYONE YOU KNOW?


And here I thought I was low-maintenance...

I'm worth $2,300,054.03! How much are you worth?

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Author Meme

Picked up from Brandon

Instructions: Copy the list from the last person in the chain, delete the names of the authors you don't have on your home library shelves and replace them with names of authors you do have. Bold the replacements.

David Sedaris
Issac Asimov
Sena Jeter Naslund
Philip K. Dick
JRR Tolkien
Oscar Wilde
Steve Martin
Augusten Burroughs

A Very Fortunate Event

Yesterday, in addition to being my son's 10th birthday, happened to be the day that Daniel Handler (aka Lemony Snicket) was being interviewed in Manhattan as part of The New York Times' Arts & Leisure weekend. Since my son and I are enormous fans of the books (both paper and audio)..and NOT the dreadful movie...I thought it would be a delightful surprise to take him to this VERY fortunate event.

It was amazing. Daniel Handler should be the next Oprah or something. Except instead of weeping at people's troubles, he'd laugh at them. And then play a silly song on the accordion about running away and dying.

If you EVER have the opportunity to see this man speak...don't miss it. He doesn't show up often, so I'd suggest subscribing to the Author Tracker at

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Hunka Hunka Burnin' Love

Yeah, is Elvis' birthday. (as well as my son's and David Bowie's) He would have been 70 today. It's hard to believe that someone who ate fried peanut butter and lard (or banana...see recipe) sandwiches could meet such an early demise. But alas, sometimes when your number's up it's up.

While we're on a pop culture jag, today is also a day marked by Jen and Brad's breakup. What a drag it must be to have the blood and guts of your relationships out there for all to see. And comment on. I have to chuckle when people respond with shock and awe at the serial pairings of Hollywood folk. Personally, I could give them all a run for their money...the difference is that my string of failed love connections isn't fodder for People Magazine.

Surfing this week's blogs, I found an inordinate number of people making really rude comments about Heidi Klum and Seal. What's up with that? She's adorable, he's sexy (yes, boys...scars and all...or maybe especially so) and he loves not only her but her little girl. Of course, I once made the mistake of marrying someone because he loved my daughter...and sort of forgot that I needed to be in love with him too. Oops.

Well, have a peanut butter and lard sandwich today in honor of the King (don't forget...fry up your sandwiches, charge up the defibrillator and enjoy!)

A recipe for two sandwiches:

1. Mash two small bananas.
2. Toast four slices of wheat bread.
3. Spread peanut butter on all four slices.
4. Spread mashed bananas onto two slices.
5. Assemble two sandwiches.
6. Fry each sandwich in a little butter.
7. Slice and serve immediately.


Thursday, January 06, 2005

How Did We Ever Live Without...

E-Z Pass
Airports (no, not LaGuardia)
Caller ID
Bonus Features

Help me out here... what things do you take for granted today that weren't even part of the vocabulary 10 years ago or more?

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

I've Been a Baaaaaaaaad Blogger

Well, I have an excuse. Or excuses. Christmas. New Year's. Life.

I've decided to create a web-based business called "You Shouldn't Have!". I will find excrutiatingly cool gifts when clients fill out an extensive questionnaire about the person they need a gift for. The purpose of the questions will be to identify some idiosyncracies that will make it fun and interesting to find that person a unique gift.

I'll update my progress here...and hopefully post a link to the new site when it's up.

Other than that...not much new.

OH, and if anyone has a suggestion for a good beginner's electronic keyboard to me.