Tuesday, September 27, 2005

America's Next Top Moron

Honestly, is this Christmas week or what? The television gods are showering me with gifts! Another season of America's Next Top Model has begun. The producers are as amused by the "Yogi Berra" moments as I am and make a point of capturing the best ones for all to see. I love nothing better than a good malapropism and this show is chock full of them.

In a one-on-one interview with Tyra Banks, one of the aspiring next-top-models boasted, "I'm really very smart. I have a good head on my shoulder!" Well Miss Thing, you've got your work cut out for you because the next girl in line claimed that she's "going to fight truth and nail" to win. You might need the other shoulder to contend with THAT.

My OTHER favorite show is back too...Wife Swap. Last night, a neat-freak Christian baseball mom walked into the filthy home of the "punk anarchist" family, looked around and sobbed "How can anyone live like this? In total SQUANDER!"

I've kept a mental collection of many malaprops I've heard over the years. We have someone in the office who's a great source of them. He recently said (in a serious meeting, which caused a few of us to have to bite our lips to keep the guffaws in) "I can't stand that guy! He's so ABSTINENT!" (C'mon! That should explain why he's no fun to be around! ) The same guy told us that he'd be all over something "like flies on ants". He's also often "flustrated" by politics in the workplace.

Here are a few other random ones I've picked up from various people over the years. Hopefully none of them read this blog:

"Oh, it's six of one...dozen of the other"

"He was making money hand over foot!"

"He was making money leftover hand!"

"Why are you coming in at this time of the hour?"

"I'm going to save this for prosperity!"

"Those curtains are a lovely shade of maude."

"We need to replace the fire distinguisher" (smoke alarm!)

"I finally tasted espadrilles" (escargot)

"She was a Southmore in High School"

"I bought a new Ostracizer" (blender...Osterizer)

"I love those cute little frankfurter dogs...you know, Datsuns?"

"Hurry, Vinny! Get the fly squad!" (fly swatter)

"They thought I had cancer but it was B-9."

Then, thanks to the wonders of the Internet, there are those that we don't hear...just see:

"... and walla! A brand new car!"

"I waited with baited breath..." (eww)

"... persay..."

My family is a great source of these (or, as my mother would say, "a sauce of entertainment"), so I'm sure I'll come up with plenty more as I think of them. Feel free to contribute yours! As Dave Barry would say, "You can't make this stuff up!"